Relate at 70: The country’s leading relationships charity reveals the ten issues that drive couples apart

• Affairs – the number one reason for couples seeking relate’s help in 2008
• Dissatisfaction in the bedroom – sex related issues in second place highlighting a serious dissatisfaction in our bedrooms and strong case for sex therapy services
• Work-stress and lack of work-life balance – third most frequent presenting issue underlining the difficulties for families trying to juggle priorities

Relate, the relationship counselling charity, founded 70 years ago by the Dr Reverend Herbert Gray out of concern for family life, has commissioned a survey to highlight the real-life issues that bring couples to Relate in their thousands – on average 150,000 people every year.

Not all Relate clients are married - many are living together or simply going out with each other. Some clients are in same sex couple relationships and some come alone to get over a relationship that has just ended. A growing proportion of relate clients come to see us because they have accepted an inevitable separation and they want to do the best for their children. We also see an increasing number if whole families together, children and young people struggling with their home life and adult couples in sex therapy.

This survey deals only with the adult couples who come to us for relationship counselling – many hope to save their relationship and make ir better so that they can feel healthier, perform better at work and generally improve the quality of their life for themselves and for their wider family. 79% of the clients who come to relate say that the help they have received has strengthened their relationship with their partner, here we reveal what motivates them to pick up the phone or go online to make their first appointment.

Underlying these three major causes of relationship breakdown is the ever-present issue of communication problems experienced by every single couple. One counsellor summed it up by saying, “Communication falls into two camps: we don’t communicate about anything any more, and we just argue about nothing/everything.” Major presenting issues are exacerbated by the couple not being able to talk about what is going on in their lives and leads to relentless rows or the silent treatment impacting on any children they have.

In ranking order the ten most common issues Relate clients face are:

1. Affairs
2. Difficulties in sex life
3. Work-stress and lack of work-life balance
4. Step-families and family change
5. Domestic violence and Abuse
6. Lack of self-esteem
7. Financial difficulties
8. Impact of a new baby
9. Excessive use of internet
10. Depression and mental health conditions

Claire Tyler, Chief Executive of Relate said, “Modern relationships are under a great deal of stress – we hear from couples who are discovering their partner’s affairs via text or email and of couples who are working such long hours that they never see their families. But we are doing everything we can to help people in this position.

Everyone has relationship difficulties at some point in their life. We ensure that people of all ages can access often life-changing counselling and support.”